whenever i see babies, see pregnant women or hear about pregnancies, or walk through the baby and maternity departments, i feel happy and resentful at the same time.
i thought i was well-over the miscarriage tragedy. but i still have trouble coping up with certain reminders of it.
fifty-four days have passed since i convinced myself that i did not have control for anything that has happened. that i can only control how to deal with it, taking things lightly, that it was just alright, that it won’t happen again. that was how tough i thought i was.
after crying the whole night after i and my husband left the hospital, i promised myself that it would be the first and last time of shedding tears. after all, there’s nothing we can do about it.
the baby was gone. long before i can quite feel him or her inside me. at ten weeks, we saw no trace of him or her aside from the blood and meaty (placental) tissue discharges.
worse, because some of those who are close to me haven’t seen or held the baby, they have had trouble understanding the depth of my sadness. of which, i have to understand.
i thought that i’m ready for another pregnancy after the loss. but i’m having a hard time convincing myself to take certain tests that my obstetrician/gynecologist advised me to. even though i want to know the real cause of the miscarriage, i’m also afraid that the results would tell me i would have trouble conceiving the next time.
can i take it all over again when it happens? will i ever come home with a healthy baby?
a lot of what ifs, and i don’t want to go through that terrible thing again.
